Celebrity Jihad

Celebrity Jihad to Brit: We've been there.

2006-05-18T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hey Brit,
I see from your expression you're a little over it all, and believe me I hear that. Having a baby takes a lot out of you. I know I haven't gotten my hair colored in months. And sometimes I too forget to remove the choke chain my man makes me wear around the house, but you know what I always manage to do despite not having a nanny and millions of dollars, I always manage to leave the house in a bra. Now, your nipple pointing straight down leads me to believe this might not be the first time you walked out the door without your boulder-holder, but please girl, hoist those puppies up. Right now their drawing too much attention to the dirty pantcuffs you refuse to have hemmed.

Take good care,
Your Fellow Mommy of an Eight-Month Old

Brandon Davis: Great Thinker of the Next Generation

2006-05-18T07:40:00.000-07:00

By now many of you have watched the video of Brandon Davis describing Lindsay Lohan as a "fire crotch." We at Celebrity Jihad have watched this video very carefully, and it turns out that there is some hidden footage at the end. We've transcribed the rest of the video below.
"Paris and I were discussing the implications of a war with Iran, and have agreed with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, that in fact the western world needs Iran more than Iran needs us -- especially with the nearly insatiable oil appetite of India and China. It's a scary world we live in right now and I hope our President understands this situation. We must, I repeat, must get off foriegn oil. I plan to take immediate action, use my billions to create renewable energy and to give portions of my estate to local people who can use it to grow their own organic crops."

Gen. Hayden: First Senate Hearings, then US Magazine

2006-05-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

General Hayden paused for photographers today as he exited the Coffee Bean and Tea leaf on Mulhullond today. He said to the gathered paparazzi, "Despite the photographic evidence, I've never met Paris Hilton. I have nothing but good things to say about Lindsay Lohan and Fez is a hottie."
He was later seen at Butter nightclub doing lines off the back of the toilet seat and waving his hands in the air like he just didn't care.

Aaaah-roooo-gah!

2006-05-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

Today Hamas announced a new PR campain aimed at female faux celebrity bloggers. Ahmed Zalehed of Hamas said in a press release, "What we'd thought we'd do is take pictures of the hottest Palestinians on the West Bank holding the biggest guns. We'll post them on the New York Times and with any luck our Hot Men of Hamas will sway American voters through the magic of blogs. We really need to get those white liberal American women on our side. Next year, I'm thinking calendar and a little video I call, 'The Men of Hamas Go Wild'."

George Bush to Hugo Chavez : Take That!

2006-05-16T10:28:00.000-07:00

Today President Bush put the smack down on arms sales to Venezuela claiming the Latin American country had failed to cooperate in the fight against terrorism.
Bush said today, "What I mean by fight against terrorism is they won't let US companies pump the shit out of their oil. I mean, it's totally lame that they won't let us profit off their resources. What nazi-commie-terrorist fuckers."
Hugo Chavez said in a comment, "I'm shaking in my boots."
The US will continue to import oil from Venezuela's state-owned resources. As will the rest of the world.

George Bush hearts the MINI page

2006-05-16T10:20:00.000-07:00

Facing dismal approval ratings, and outrage over illegal domestic spying, President Bush pulled a skillful bait and switch on the American public today.

When addressing the press about the NSA issue, President Bush said,
"We got accused of not connecting the dots prior to Sept. 11. We're (now) going to connect the dots." Stunned Americans paused, smiled and nodded at many memories of Sunday mornings trying to find MINI written in the drawing and jokes that seemed funny at first, but upon later reflection were veiled references to endtimes and the holy spirit. Bush later had the journalists in stiches when he said "I don't know," then pushed Papa Cheney under the sudden waterfall of green slime.

Alyssa Milano to Nicole Richie: Back your shit up

2006-03-07T15:41:00.000-08:00

Alyssa Milano surprised Oscar party guests by 1) showing up to a celebrity event where there were actual celebrities, and not former Tony Danza sperm containers who like to pretend they are celebrities and 2) telling Nicole Richie, "say my name, bitch." When Nicole refused, Ms. Milano wrestled her to the ground while grunting, "Who's the boss now, bitch, who's the boss now."

Wal*Mart Enlists the Help of Bloggers to Get Out Their Message

2006-03-07T15:23:00.000-08:00

The New York Times is reporting that Wal*Mart is emailing bloggers pro-Wal*Mart news to include in their blogs. We here at Celebrity Jihad would like to be enlisted too. The Celebrity Jihad team believe minimum wage is a king's ransome, and that your checkers and greeters don't even deserve that. Fuck the liberal government for that shitty policy, it just hurts our favorite big corporate businesses. We'd also like to come out in favor of no health insurance for any employee. We think if someone gets sick, just fire their lazy asses and get some other low-skill worker to take their place. Frankly Wal*Mart are our heros for moving into lower-class communities, running small business out of the area, hiring everyone who used to work at the indie businesses, and never training them in a skill beyond the menial task they've been hired to do. We think it's great when whole communities become so poor they can't even afford the clothes on sale at Wal*Mart's fine establishments. We love cheap shit made in China. We also love bathing in the blood of eight-year old Chinese girls. We share that in common with Wal*Mart too.
Okay Wal*Mart bitches, that post was free, each post from here on out will cost you.

XO,
The Jihad

South Dakota Bans Abortion

2006-03-06T22:13:00.000-08:00

Today Gov. Mike Rounds of South Dakota banned all abortions. Mr. Rounds said in a press conference, "Hear ye, hear ye. I dost ban abortions. I dost also ban the fairer sex driving horse and carriages. I hereby declare every Monday Lobodomy Day for all fair maidens. Ye olde chastity belts for all!"
Mr. Rounds was seen later in the day masturbating to One Night in Paris nodding as President Bush bombed a few more actual living and breathing Iraqi children. When Mr. Rounds demanded his food and ale from his barwench, he was disappointed to find that every last woman had left the state.

Celebrity Jihad Interventions: Jennifer Aniston

2006-03-06T21:50:00.000-08:00

Hey Jen,

Wassup girl? It's been so long since we did keg stands and gave bj's to the whole frat house down the street. I just wanna say hon, that I forgive you for that time you borrowed my thong underwear and then hooked up with that guy I had said was hot, then you said, ewww gross, but then I found you dry humping him on that moldy old couch outside the co-op. I'm over it, no worries. But here's the deal, Jen, yes, your Oscar night dress is gorgeous, but the only way that dress saves your non-made-up face is when you pull your skirt up over your head as Vince collapses on top of you after one too many jack and cokes. Honey, let me be clear. Here's how the newer model takes the red carpet. Check out that picture of Ange. Let me say, that between the two, you must have a white stick with a red tip and white hot pokers in your ears to think you are looking hotter than Team Jolie. How about this, Jen, you either put some makeup on, or make the world a better place--see that homeless guy who was passed out where you're walking but had to be moved so you could roll up in your hybrid, well, grab the paper bag off that guy's bottle of OE and put it over your face. Do it for humanity.

Fox News Broadcasts from the Happy Place

2006-03-02T10:22:00.000-08:00

Today Fox News broadcasts from the Happy Place. The Happy Place is a very exclusive place where the bible is all true (except the part about helping others) and that Iraq is Arabic for Disneyland. Mr. Cavuto, anchor for Fox News, said today, "Last week, I brought my family to Iraq and we rode on the Materhorn. I was a little scared when that brown guy with the thing on his head roared at us as we sped by in the little car, but then my four-year-old assured me that he was just a fake brown man and no real brown men would actually come that close. Later we roasted hotdogs over the burning corpses outside of the local US-run prison. It was good times."

Alito's Letter to Dobson Called 'Just Thanks'

2006-03-02T10:02:00.000-08:00

Today Justice Alito's spokesperson described a note from Mr. Alito to James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, as 'Just thanks.' Celebrity Jihad has obtained a copy of the letter and in the interest of the War on Terror, domestic syping, and the future elimination of anything gay including Abba, good haircuts, and soft hands on men, we are reprinting the letter.

Dear Dobbikins,
I just wanted to drop you a line letting you know that I really enjoyed our time last night. For once you let me be Heath and for that I will hold in my heart a million little blessings for the Lord. Lighting the bedroom with seven hundred seventy seven candles was such a lovely touch. And though I was a little confused when you poured Astroglide on my forehead, when you declared me a son of God, I really understood. I hope you liked the way I slowly, slowly unbuttoned your special cowpoke jeans. I knew you couldn't believe that I was able to get them off without disturbing your ass-less chaps. It's one of my many hidden talents I have yet to reveal to you, oh Dobbikins. You seemed to enjoy that special little flicker of my tongue that I have perfected over the years with President Bush. Did you like that moment when I went "old skool" and reminded you of the true definition of a hummer? That was a little hymn I remembered from my altar boy days. I just want to say, my love, that I know there is a lot more Christian cock I can suck, and my mouth is wide open. I look forward to a long future with you and the rest of the fine white, old, male specimens of the Religious Right. I just thank the Lord that I'm male and that I can't get knocked up like those whores who consider themselves the other half of the population. Such bitches! We'll get them, though Dobbikins. We will.
I love you fair, Dobby. I love you.
Your master, your servant.
Justypie Alito

Bush Lays the Smackdown on Mine Safety

2006-03-02T09:54:00.000-08:00

Today the Bush administration offered what some Washington insiders call a 'pimp slap' to mine companies by not collecting and/or reducing the amount of money the companies had been fined in mine violations. Bush said today, "Here's what we did, we decided that instead of charging mine companies for their safety violations, what we'd do is cook them a filet mignon, hire some hookers, and let them sleep on Egyptian cotton sheets in the Lincoln bedroom as a punishment for endangering the lives of Americans. It seems only fair, you know? I mean that's what Papa Cheney forces those dirty Iraqis to do, and since I'm sleeping on silk sheets, I know that I'm still the big kahuna. Woof!"
A mine company spokesman was found crying in a corner after being forced to pick at a hangnail himself instead of having use of the official presidential golden fingernail clippers.

GM Releases New Car

2006-03-02T09:46:00.000-08:00

Today GM released a new car. It was metal. It had some doors and four tires. There were windows involved. GM said in a press release, "Our new car is new and a car. And I believe if you look closely Lindsay Lohan is growing that downy fur so many anorexics have to battle. And those pesky scars that show up when you weigh ten pounds and five of those pounds come from your breasts. And then we released a new car."

Janice Dickinson: What's Wrong With America

2006-02-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

Today intellectuals, up-tight former hippies, the religious right and that guy in the cubicle next to yours who rolls his eyes everytime you squeal when the new US weekly passes over your desk voted Janice Dickinson Queen of What's Wrong with America. Charles Peckton, Professor of Greek Thought and Captain of the What's Wrong With America Foundation said today, "Ms. Dickinson embodies everything that is wrong with this country--fake n' bake, chicken bone legs, a trust in the liberal media, and a big ass mouth. Not to mention the phrase we all use when a new picture of Ms. Dickinson is released--why in the hell is she famous?"
Other nominees included Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Condi Rice and Chad Paul Murray, or Paul Chad Murphy or Murray Chad Paulinsky or whatever the hell that guy's name is.

Britney Spears Injured in Freak Feather Boa Attack

2006-02-28T09:39:00.000-08:00

In New Orleans Britney Spears was rushed to the hospital after her feather boa tried to strangle her. The singer said after the incident: "I'm so glad ya'll that I'm okay. Boy howdie those boas are dangerous! I tried to bite it back, but that sucker was fast-- all I got a mouth full of feathers! I'm just grateful to God, the Buddha and captain Kabbalah that I'm all right, y'all."
Her husband Kevin Ferderline was seen at the scene of the crime earlier with a remote control, a bear trap, superglue and red feathers. He declined to comment.

NIcole Richie: I have better shoes than Paris

2006-02-28T09:30:00.000-08:00

As filming began on Simple Life season 1009, Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton began their own sort of socialite olympics. The girls engaged in a Blow-A-Thon where Ms. Richie snorted 80 grams of coke in one sitting, Ms. Hilton misunderstood the parameters of the competition and found herself on all fours in front of a line of American Idol wanna-bes. Later the two sat for three full days in front of a bowl of chocolate mousse, arms crossed, waiting for the other to take a bite. Ms. Richie won the competition in the final round, by opening a shoe box and revealing perhaps the cutest shoes to grace an anorexic's feet. She then ran across the street shouting, "I won! I won!" before passing out in a hyplogycemic coma.

India hearts Bush

2006-02-27T21:10:00.000-08:00

The New York Times and the Republican Media machine want to assure Americans that India is ready to welcome President Bush to their country. Bill Clinton was the last American President to visit the country and he too was burned in effigy upon arrival and what I mean by burned in effigy is addressed Parliment with lawmakers climbing over benches to shake his hand. President Bush will not be addressing their parliment. Bush said, "I ain't addressing no one's parliment. I don't want those dirty punjabs touching my hands. In fact, I'm only going over there because the Indian people begged me to show up. They even promised to give me one of those red dots on my forehead and $200 in free chips so I can spend the evening at one of their fine casinos. I'm a P-I-M-P at the craps table. Word."

George Michael: Arrest My Own Stupid Fault

2006-02-27T21:00:00.000-08:00

George Michael addressed the public after his arrest for possession of Class C drugs. The singer said: "I'm such a dumbass. I always get it confused--sucking the glass dick equals using crack. Sucking the flesh pipe equals the happy place. I guess I told that tranny I met at the Hyde the Sausage Hyde Park Bar and Grill the wrong thing. Duh!"

Rove Obsessed with Hillary Clinton

2006-02-27T20:50:00.000-08:00

Today Karl Rove denied Hillary Clinton's earlier accusation that Mr. Rove is obsessed with the former first lady. Rove said, "I am so not obsessed with that woman. I mean I totally miss the headband Hilary of the early years, but I'm not obsessed. If you want to talk about obsessed, you should see my collage timeline of Katie Holmes's growing bumb--it's so fake! And I'm so sick of Bradley Pitt wearing the same damn clothes so it never seems that I get a new picture of him when I'm waiting with my paparazi friends outside his home. And my other obsession is my orange hat. No one fucking touches my orange hat, bitches!"

Celebrity Jihad Interventions: Britney Spears Part 3

2006-02-26T09:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Brit,

There are a few things we at Celebrity Jihad are experts on--President Bush's global politics, Tara Reid's hidden intellect, Paris Hilton's cervix (but who really isn't) and what it's like to have a five month old and lose weight the laziest possible way--breastfeeding. Brit, how many men on this planet would have killed a few years back to have your boob in their mouth? A lot. Maybe not so much anymore, but there was a time when I think you could have auctioned that shit on Ebay and never have had to leave your KFC trough to record another album. Why deprive your boy of that honor? Now, there's all these experts who say that breastfeeding is the best thing for your baby. Ignore them. Here's what breastfeeding is good for--burning 500 calories a day. And giving you the excuse of exiting whatever situation you are in because you have to feed the baby. Now, I applaud you for training your personal Maria to walk ten paces behind you and bottlefeed SPF at the same time, but this is not helping you when you down that 64 oz. Frappucino and biggie fries. I can see that you're all knocked up again, and let me just advise you for next time--put the baby on the boob and love that New York Superfudge Chunk without the guilt.

Bush Declares War on Avian Flu

2006-02-26T09:46:00.000-08:00

After reports today confirming a case of Avian Flu in France, President Bush declared a "War on Avian Flu." The president said, "I've declared a lot of wars during my presidency, but this war on Avian Flu is my finest war yet. Here's what were gonna do: first, we're gonna bomb the shit out of anyone harboring Avians--or birds as I hear they're called. Then, we're gonna wiretap anyone's phones who have mentioned the words Avian or Flu or birds or feathers or beaks. Next, Clear Channel is going to ban the following songs: Free Bird, Wind Beneath My Wings, Three Little Birds, and Egg Man by the Beastie Boys. Papa Cheney is then going to hunt down all the remaining quail and white republicans in the country (excluding yours truly and anyone considered a 'Bush Pioneer'). And finally, in an ironic twist, we're going to tar and feather all of the birds we've killed. It should be good times, y'all."

Bush: Mission Accomplished--I said it, I meant it.

2006-02-25T20:21:00.000-08:00

President Bush released a press statement today in response to the escalating violence in Iraq.
Bush wrote: You know a few years ago I said the war with Iraq was over. And you know what? I was so right. Because by 'the war in Iraq is over' what I meant was, 'civil war for everyone!' I just hope this means what Papa Cheney told me it would mean--more builidings for Haliburton to rebuild and more thirteen year old Iraqi boys to give me pedicures and facials. As for the Americans who have died. Well...I just think hooray democracy! I mean heaven's a democracy, right? And those guys are totally there. Oh, and I think South Dakota kicks major ass for banning all abortions. Go democracy! Woot!
XO, Georgie Porgie Walker Bushie Boy, SWAK, XXXXOOOOO!!!!!

Angelina Jolie Lives Your Dream Because You Can't

2006-02-25T20:01:00.000-08:00

In her latest philanthropic adventure, Angelina Jolie is living the dream of millions of American women because they cannot. Jolie said today, "I know millions of good people in this world say, 'I wish I could spend at least part of my time helping others.' But these good people have enough on their hands with family and jobs so I decided I would do that. Then I saw Brad Pitt, and I knew millions of American women say, 'I'd love to tap Brad Pitt's ass' so I thought, there's only one Brad, and he's with that douchebag so I thought why not steal him away and tap his ass for millions of men and women? I know most everyone dreams about living in Paris, so I thought, why not? Oh and I rub myself in dark chocolate every night and pay full price for Kleenex cottonelle. You know why? Because I can. Because someone might as well. It's great! Just know people, your dream is as great in reality as you think it would be."
In other news, Jennifer Ansiton is up to a pack a day and has cut out carbs, red meat, beer, chocolate, oxygen and quiet walks on the beach because she wants to get back into her Rachel jeans.

Paris Hilton: Medusa '06

2006-02-23T11:01:00.000-08:00

Paris Hilton continues to stun academia with her liguistic and now mythological observations. Miss Hilton said, "Staring into my vagina will turn men to stone. A lot like Medusa. And the guy with the mirror."
The gentlemen in front of Miss Hilton in the picture were overheard saying, "I feel the Campbell's evaluation of the hero's journey, combined with Jung's character achetype and study of the collective unconscious results in the mythology of today's energy and matter leading to reality thinly veiled in a concrete dreamworld."
"Word, dawg."

Bush Administration Calms Uproar After Announcing United Arab Emirates Company to Guard US Ports

2006-02-23T10:34:00.000-08:00

Today President Bush reassured the American public that there was no need to worry about safety when a United Arab Emirates company gains control over a half-dozen US seaports. Despite the United Arab Emirates's financial support of Al-Qaida and the Taliban, Bush said, "people don't need to worry about security." Bush went on, "We have also enlisted the services of several Catholic preists to keep their eyes on boy's locker rooms at schools across the country, and Paris Hilton will be the new head librarian at the Library of Congress. And just so no one feels left out, Saddam will be back in charge at Abu Ghraib."

Supreme Court Opens With Abortion Case

2006-02-21T09:15:00.000-08:00

The Supreme Court began hearing its first case of the season--shockingly it has to do with abortion. The high court is once again trying to ban late-term abortions. The ban was voted down before because it lacked a provision for the health of the mother. In today's case, there is no exemption from the ban for the health of the mother. Alito began the hearings holding up a rusty hanger and saying, "This is good enough for those bitches. And nowadays the young girls are back to knitting. Women have plenty of choice. Gawd!" He then slapped his forehead and rolled his eyes. Later the session was called into recess when a huge cake was rolled into chambers and a busty blonde jumped out. The cake read, "Welcome, Sammy-boy! Down with women! And Blacks! And the Poor! And Liberals! And Homos!" There was more, but the caterer had run out of room.

Science Fiction Writer Advising President Bush on Global Warming

2006-02-21T09:06:00.000-08:00

Fox News reporter Fred Barnes has recalled that President Bush met with Michael Crichton who advised the President on global warming. Barnes also reports that President Bush has met with Sam Walton, President of Walmart to advise on the state of poor black women, Ann Coulter advised Bush on 'The Noam Chomsky effect' and in an ultra-secret meeting, Baby Jesus descended from heaven with some words on evolution and abortion.

US Ice Dancers Win Olympic Medal

2006-02-21T08:53:00.000-08:00

Ice Dancing couple Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto won the silver medal in ice dancing for the United States ending a 30 year losing streak for the US team. John Pattens, head of the United States Olympic committee said today, "We're so proud of our Ice Dancers. We're hoping next Olympics that the US will finally take home medals in masturbation, air guitar solos and celebrity blogging."
After the announcement, President Bush was overheard asking Karl Rove if he could participate in the air guitar solo meet. Bush said, "I don't mean to sound like a fag, but my air guitar solo kicks ass!"

RadioShack CEO Shit-Canned

2006-02-20T18:20:00.000-08:00

Today in a shocking move, RadioShack canned its longtime CEO, David Edmonson. RadioShack released a statement today: "We at RadioShack are totally bummed to have given Edmonson the boot, but someone just told us yesterday that it was actually 2006, not 1986. Apparently Edmonson kept changing our calendar. He kept telling us that gray carpets, casio keyboards and Speak and Spells were still the hottest gagets around. And he said the robot maid is all the rage with the young folk. Turns out after a bit of research, our stores are all in half-rate falling down strip-malls, and guys with zits, pocket protectors and B.O. are no longer the bleeding edge, sales closers we once thought. And there are these new-fangled gagets called I-Pods, and cellular telephones that beat the pants off cassette walkmans and cans with string tied to the bottoms. We had no choice but to fire him. And to open some more Hot Dogs On A Stick."

Paris Denies New Sex Tape and Gives Surprising Grammar Lesson

2006-02-20T18:14:00.000-08:00

Today Paris Hilton denied reports that a brand new sex tape featuring her and Playboy Playmate Nicole Lenz exists. Lenz has said, "The moment we were in the room Paris had only one thing on her mind - sex. We lied down on a king size bed and took it in turns to play with each other."
Hilton responded: "Um, no, there's no sex tape. No. Never happened. No. Not so much. And plus I'd never hit it with someone who used lied as the past tense of to recline. Everyone knows that to lie has no past tense that ends in D. Duh." Hilton then flipped her hair, squeezed her left breast and belched. Reporters applauded.

Britney Spears: Gangs are cool

2006-02-13T16:22:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears showed her true colors at the Grammy's by throwing up some gang signs to the photographers. Spears said, "'Sup bloods. I'm in the BH crew, dogs. Das right, ya'll I'm rollin' with the toughest bitches on the west coast. We roll it right through the BH, the Bev Hil for shizznay. I got some bling, some dope ass extensions. I'm everybody's around the way girl. Peace, homies."
She then climbed in her Escalade and drove through Compton, quickly. Very quickly.

Vice President Cheney Beta Tests New Rifle--Results Unsuccessful

2006-02-13T16:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Vice President Cheney tested the new Smith and Wesson hunting rifle with mixed results. Cheney said, "The gun was pretty good, but it seems that the barrel must be angled ninety degrees. It's so weird, because I was aiming at the little Iraqi boy in front of me, but the white guy who's given tons of money to me and my party wound up with a face full of pellets. It's a lot like that time I was serving in 'Nam and I was getting a blow job from a hooker, and I was aimed at her face, but it got all over her tits instead. Just like that, except I wasn't in 'Nam. And it wasn't a woman. Anyway, I'm sorry that that the white guy got shot. And I'm sorry that little Iraqi fucker got away. He'll probably go and build some weapons of mass destruction now or something. Frankly, I blame Smith and Wesson."

Bush to Muslims: Touchy Touchy Touchy

2006-02-08T22:30:00.000-08:00

Today President Bush spoke against the violent reactions to Danish cartoons portraying the Prophet Muhammed. Mr. Bush said, "It's like I tell Laura after she catches me pinching the twins' asses after I slip them a twenty-- stop being so goddamn sensitive. Those Muslims and Laura need to suck it up and take it like men. Inappropriate is a word for the liberal media and not big cowboys like me. Don't have a jihad, man!"

Nicky Hilton Starving to Death

2006-02-08T22:10:00.000-08:00

Today Nicky Hilton nearly starved to death at an opening party for Cartier. Miss Hilton said after being rushed to the nearest graveyard, "Those girls. Had no brains." She then moaned and walked rather stiltedly to the nearest retirement community where she found freshly dead old people whose brains she feasted on.

Alberto Gonzalez Uses President Washington as a Justification for Spying on American Citizens

2006-02-07T09:42:00.000-08:00

Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez appeared yesterday in front of a special Senate judiciary committee to justify the use of wiretapping of American citizens. He sited the precedent of former President Washington as an example of Presidential power and domestic spying. Mr. Gonzalez said, "It's totally like when George Washington held a glass up against the wall of the Oval Office when those damn Brits had agreed to a potential road map to peace to end the Civil War. Althought Mr. Washington couldn't understand their funny accents, he knew they were going to invade Grenada. And that they were terrorists. So he shot an apple off his son's head, thus ending the Revolutionary War." Mr. Gonalez then pressed a finger into one ear and spoke into the gigantic ring on his right hand. He was seen later listening and nodding to the ring.

Jennifer Aniston Saves the World

2006-02-07T09:17:00.000-08:00

Jennifer Aniston has begun serious efforts to save the world. She was seen this weekend in Las Vegas gambling, boozing and smoking as the first step toward global change. Ms. Aniston said, "I just feel with the level of poverty in this world, I'd show my support by burning through money at a poker table. I was sitting next to a dark colored man and I let him have a cigarette. That was my first step in my new campaign of philanthropy. The dealer appeared to be Cambodian. Or maybe Mexican. In any case, I tipped him really big. Then Vince and I went back to our suite (which was totally cleaned by a nice Puerto Rican woman who I also tipped) and we played a naughty little game we made up called 'Mr & Mrs. Jones.' I just hope people will continue to see my mediocre movies and pay $9 a pop for the privilege so I can continue to pamper myself and think nice thoughts about the Thai girl I have to scrub my toilets. She totally survived Tsunami Katrina!"

Kirsten Dunst Wins Most Unattractive Celebrity

2006-02-06T17:42:00.000-08:00

The votes are in, Kirsten Dunst is the most unattractive celebrity. She was nominated by a jury of her peers which included: Paris Hilton, Gweneth Paltrow, and Helen Hunt. Ms. Paltrow said, "She really has the pale advantage." Miss Hilton said, "Uggie Buggie, Stringy Shiny." And Helen Hunt said, "it's so unfair, ever since I stopped making the world's most annoying sitcom, I never get voted most unattractive celebrity."
These pictures were taken today on the Spiderman set after Miss Dunst heard the news.

Kirsten Dunst to last person in America who finds her attractive: How ya' like me now?

2006-02-05T18:42:00.000-08:00

Kirsten Dunst announced today that her goal for 2006 was to be the most unattractive celebrity to still be making movies. She said, "I started planning the move to complete barfugly way back when I was in that vampire movie with Brad Pitt. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that half closed eyes and snaggleteeth were my thing. That was my hook. I'd be the 'Ugly It Girl.' Well that was long ago and I just felt like this year was my year. So I started parking in handicapped spots. And itching my ass in public, in a bikini no less! And then I thought, well, I might as well go whole hog and buy me a pair of Ugg boots. I love to wear them without socks. I find that the fake sheepskin really traps my sweat nicely and when I take them off, they have no way to breathe so the sweat just turns into bacteria, which smells pretty wrong. Then I put them back on without socks and tah-dah I have feet so stinky that if I were a cartoon, green fumes would be coming off them. I'm so ugly!" She ended the interview by bending over in her low rise jeans so her dingy white thong was visible and then she slapped her own ass twice before farting and skipping out of the studio.

Bush: You Blinded Me With Science

2006-02-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

Today President Bush visited a Dallas school as part of his "Science is For Smart Kids and Minorities" campaign. He was instructed on looking through a microscope by a well vetted high school senior. Bush said, "I can totally see where God put his little God signature on this piece of chimpanze DNA. It looks a little like the windows of all Mercedes--how they have that German guys signature. It's so cool to watch creationism in action." He then turned to the press and said, "See? Using the bible as a textbook for science class is totally pushing our kids ahead of those damn Chinese, Indians and Canadians."

Boehner Trumps Blunt As Majority Leader

2006-02-04T19:57:00.000-08:00

Today for the first time Representative Roy Blunt, who lost to Representative John Boehner, spoke after his surprise upset in the race to be the next House Majority Leader. Mr. Blunt said, "I just think it's so lame that Boehner got my seat. His name's Boehner. Bo-Ner. And you know what? He's a total dick. No hard feelings though, 'kay?"
Representative Boehner released a statement shortly after Mr. Blunt's speech. He wrote: Blunt rhymes with cunt.

Donald Rumsfeld: American Not Safer

2006-02-03T22:27:00.000-08:00

Today Rummy 'Let's Rumble' Rumsfeld held a press conference to announce to the world that America is not safer. He said, "Y'know it's so weird. I really thought that by killings thousands of innocent people, destroying whole civic infastructures, alienating a whole religion and giving my oil buddies blow jobs in the executive bathroom, America would be safer. Turns out--not so much." He then outlined a plan to 'safen up America.' Rumsfeld said it involved, "parakeets, bottle caps and walking like an Egyptian."

Celebrity Jihad Interventions: Katie Holmes

2006-02-03T08:56:00.000-08:00

Katie... Katie...Come a little closer, Katie...Just close enough so I can smack that cankersore right off your face. I hope that by smacking you real hard you'll wake up out of this kool-aid, brown acid, nike swish wearing nightmare you're in. Let me say, that I had a clue that you might have had a problem when you agreed to link yourself to that self-aggrandizing douchebag Tom Cruise. Maybe I thought, huh, Katie might need some help when you stepped out in that orange coat a few weeks ago. But today you've offered your biggest cry for help yet. Was it the aviator sunglasses? A little. Was it a 'pregnant' woman wearing non-maternity jeans (FYI:they make maternity clothes because they are more comfortable--some are cute, look into them.)? No, I think it was the leotard that really set of Celebrity Jihad's intervention warning bells. Here's the deal with leotards--they give even a woman with the flatest of bellies camel toe. Severe camel toe. Now I know you're all 'knocked up' and you can't see much of what's going on below the waist so let me tell you. That burning and pulling you feel in your nether regions is not the aliens speaking to you like L. Ron tells his cruise ships full of disciples (hint to disciples--your burning is something that can be cured with an antibiotic) it's your leotard cutting very tightly between your labia. This is not preparing you for your silent childbirth, or for your pod launch. It is doing nothing but making you very uncomfortable. Here's my advice Kaite--burn the leotard, dump the homo, condition your hair and call Angelina Jolie for some tips on hooking up with hot Hollywood men and make pregnancy look motherfucking sexy. Dig?

Bush Lays Out Plans to Wean America From Middle East Oil

2006-02-01T14:39:00.000-08:00

Today President Bush laid out the specifics about the plan he'd mentioned in his State of the Union Address to end "America's addiction to Middle East oil." He said to CNN today, "Here's my plan y'all. I'm gonna get out a map and a magic marker. I'm gonna draw a big circle around all the countries that I call the middle east. It'll be a real big circle 'cause I need get France and San Francisco in there. Then I'm going to use poor 18 year olds to invade those countries. We're gonna kill as many terrorists we can find. What I mean by terrorist is brown people and liberals. And homos. And liberals. Then we're gonna rename the whole damn region Americastan. And then we'll pump all the damn oil out of the ground because it's not Middle Eastern oil, it Americastan's oil. Yeehaw motherfuckers!"

Nicky Hilton Breaks Out The Big Guns

2006-02-01T11:42:00.000-08:00

Page Six is reporting Nicky Hiton called Mischa Barton a "fat pig." Miss Hilton went on, "Lindsay Lohan is a doodie face, Nicole Richie is a poopie butt, and Kimberly Stewart is a total wanna be." She then said to her companion, "if you're going to be friends with MaryKate, then I can't be friends with you." Hilton was seen later at the drinking fountain whispering and pointing at a girl with down syndrome sitting alone on the playground.

Linday Lohan's Missing Diary Pages Turn Up on Celebrity Jihad

2006-02-01T11:27:00.000-08:00

Despite Lindsay Lohan's publicist's letter saying any website publishing Miss Lohan's missing diary pages will be sued, Celebrity Jihad has decided to publish them. An exerpt follows.

Dear Diary,
I was reading Walter Benjamin last night and I couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning, wrestling with the idea that there is nothing after post-modernism. There's modernism, then post-modernism, and what can possible come next? Is there truth in this? Benjamin says, no. That by its very definition, post-modern means there is no truth. So if there is no truth, then can it be false that there is nothing left after post-modernism? Can post-modernism be nothing more than a social construct? But that can't be true, if there is no truth. Well, diary, I am tired of the sleepless nights. Tonight I will lay my head down with a classic--The Poetics of Space by my friend, my companion, the man who puts me at ease every night, Gaston Bachelard. Good night, fair diary. Good night.

Britney Spears Still Hiring

2006-02-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

Earlier in the week Celebrity Jihad reported that Brit was seeking the help of a stylist. The SAG awards were Brit's cry for help. As she walked down the red carpet she pleaded to reporters and photographers, "please...help me. Help me. Won't any of you listen to me. I need help." She then clutched at her black choker with rhinestone butterflies and collapsed in a spasm. Unfortuately Nicole Richie had taken a bite of hamburger at the nearby Ivy restaurant, and all of the paparizzi had their cameras turned.
Madonna was seen later curled into ball on a couch mumbling something about groddy feeling, and "I can't believe I kissed that."

Candies Shoes Releases Ad Aimed At "Real Women"

2006-02-01T10:54:00.000-08:00

Today Candies launced their new ad campaign featuriung Hilary Duff and some other random starlets. The ads are aimed at, what John Rosewell, President of Candies, says are "real women."
He said today, "We at Candies know that when women are alone together, they strip down to their undergarments and jump on the bed. We have done a lot of research into this phenomenon including watching hours of tampax, asthma medicine and Hanes her way commercials. Our next ad campaign will focus on young women and their moms walking on the beach discussing their most initmate bodily odors. Though on the surface, this has nothing to do with our shoes, what broads can resist talking about their vaginas with their moms? Or jumping on the bed in their underwear with their three closest friends?"

Obesity is Contagious

2006-01-31T12:45:00.000-08:00

A scientist today is offering proof that obesity is caused by a virus. The scientist said today, "it appears to be passed orally from the McNugget of a chicken or the can of cola." The diet industry has responded to this new research. So far, The Zone has release capsules called, "FatBourne." Arthur Agatston has released a travel guide book to South Beach Florida titled, "South Beach: Too Warm for Viruses" and a reincarnated Dr. Atkins was seen with his face in a mountain of pasta.

Title of State of the Union Address Leaked to Public

2006-01-30T20:56:00.000-08:00

Today in a well-calculated PR move, Karl Rove leaked the title of the State of the Union address. The President's right hand man said, "The title reflective in nature. It's simple so Americans can understand it. We'll call it: What About North Korea. And what about North Korea. Well, President Bush will outline his new law, which will immediately draft all men, women and children with any sort of defect that prevents them from otherwise being useful members of society. We will then declare war and send them to North Korea with some guns. After that, we'll declare war on and send more people to our new and improved Axis of Evil outposts--brown-eyed people will take some slingshots and stones to Venezuela, anyone with an actual subscription to People Magazine will grab some hand grenades we found in the War Room and row over to the Bahamas, I have some paper airplanes with lasers attached to the wings that I'd like seven year old boys to try out on the terrorists in Belguim. Basically we're going to restore democracy all over the world and kill as many people as we can to do it. And when I say we, what I mean is everyone who is not white, male, over 45, and rich."

Al-Qaeda Chief to Bush: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

2006-01-30T20:41:00.000-08:00

Today Al-Jazeera aired a tape of Al-Qaeda Chief Aymen Zawahiri taunting President Bush about the missed attempts the US has taken on Mr. Zawahiri's life. Mr. Zawahiri says on the tape, "Look Bush, you little chimp--'what's my name bitches' is my line. That fat fuck Cheney has no right to it. Secondly not only is the bruise on my forehead bigger and badder than yours but my cock is 91/2 inches of pure uncut steel. Top that motherfucker." The camera panned back to reveal Mr. Zawahiri with his zipper down urinating out to, what looks like based on the yardstick on the floor, three feet.
President Bush was seen later in the day on the White House front lawn with a tallboy and a measuring tape.

First Case of Avian Flu Found in Iraq

2006-01-30T20:32:00.000-08:00

Today the first case of Avian Flu was discovered in Iraq. President Bush commented on the finding in a press conference. Bush: "You know the other day, Rummy and I were sitting around watching old episodes of the X-Files, and remember that great thing with the bees? Well, it's a lot like that..."
His broadcast was disrupted and all televisions in the world were shut down. Soon, however transmissions resumed and the star-spangled banner played over a repeated image of a woman removing an apple pie from the oven. President Bush came back on air later and said, "I would like everyone to know I was referring to crack in the inner cities, and HIV being sent from the Lord to punish homosexuals." The rest of the world was a bit confused by the comments, but had a vague recollection of seeing the strange man on the television screen at some point in the past.

Anchorman Bob Woodruff Injured in Attack in Iraq

2006-01-29T18:25:00.000-08:00

Today ABC News Anchorman Bob Woodruff was injured when the convoy he was imbedded with was hit in a roadside bomb attack. President Bush said of the attack, "It is my understanding that 'roadside bomb' is just the liberal media's way of spinning what the Iraqis call tickle bunnies. It happens to all Americans in Iraq--the Iraqis come out of their mansions and rub noses with the Americans. They then invite all of our men and women in for some fresh lamb kabobs and in true Iraqi custom, they use the whiskers from llamas and write notes on each other's barefeet like 'you're so cool' and 'let's go steady.' And that my friends is a tickle bunny."
Bill O'Reilly was seen later in the day giving Sean Hannity a noogie and calling it a suicide bombing.

Former Enron Chief, Kenneth Lay, Attended Church Today

2006-01-29T17:59:00.000-08:00

According to the Houston Chronicle, Kenneth Lay attended church today. His trial for ripping off millions of Americans will begin on Monday. Lay carried his own bible to church and was later seen huddled in conference with the pastor. The conversation between the two men is as follows:

Lay: Just wanted to check with you father, that it's okay that I tore out these pages here.
Pastor: That seems like a lot of pages.
Lay: I just took out the ones that said the Lord didn't approve of stealing or reaming poor people, or being a greedy white fuck.
Pastor: I'm surprised there were so many that had that content.
Lay: Well, I left the pages in with proverbs about selling one's daughter into slavery, and I highlighted the passages about the homosexuals going straight to hell.
Pastor: Very good, my son. God bless, and good luck tomorrow.
Lay: I don't need luck, bitch. I gave that good for nothing spoiled Yale boy more money than any other campaign contributer. I'm not just a Bush Pioneer, I own the fucking club. Now sprinkle some of that holy water on my head, and get me my own damn alter boy.

Bush's State of the Union Speech Set to Stun Americans

2006-01-29T17:51:00.000-08:00

President Bush's upcoming State of the Union address will address many of the issues concerning Americans today. A Washington insider who has seen the speech leaked parts to Celebrity Jihad. Among promises President Bush plans to make: a free ice cream cone on every American's birthday, abortions for anyone who hasn't gotten theirs before Alito gets nominated, and extra five million dollars to anyone earning more than five million dollars a year. The staffer described the speech to Rueters today as "thematic in nature." He continued, "It will be 500 pages long. It will be about a cat. A man searching for a cat. A man searching for his lost wife and a cat. It will be set in Japan, and at the end the president will broadcast from a hole." Oprah has voiced interest in filming the speech as a movie, but the more heavily thematic elements might become problematic for Oxygen's limited budget.

Britney Has an Interior Designer

2006-01-28T10:32:00.000-08:00

In a ground breaking story just released, Britney Spears employs an interior designer! This picture was taken yesterday as Britney and mother Lynn strolled through the mall with the aforementioned interior designer, and a random black man. Now that Brit has someone to tell her that engine blocks on the carpet is a big interior design no-no, she is seeking to hire someone to tell her jean cuffs dragging on the floor are both unfashionable and unsanitary. Sadly all applicants have thus far been scared off by the random black man who keeps growling when the potential fashion mavens hold up a bottle of shampoo and begin instructing Brit on lathering and rinsing.

Jennifer Aniston Will Write Book About Her Marriage's Downfall

2006-01-27T18:49:00.000-08:00

Jennifer Aniston has kept a diary throughout her marriage and later outright dumping by husband Brad Pitt. She plans to publish the diary later in the year. An advanced copy has been leaked to Celebrity Jihad. Though we had trouble cracking the little heart lock that held the book together, we've reprinted the first few pages below.
Dear Diary,
Bradley has just signed on to star in an action adventure movie with Angelina Jolie. I'm so happy that we'll be even richer, but it's a little odd because he said that after Ocean's 11 he was going the serious actor route. No more action or adventure. Pure Shakesbeer, he said. Then he said he hopes to have a baby when the movie's finished! I'm so going off the pill!

Dear Diary,
After I told Courtney about Brad's new movie, she slapped me really hard! On my face! And was like, 'what the fuck's wrong with you?' I was like, 'what the fuck's wrong with you?' I wanted to tell her that she's just bitter because after she had that little brat, she'll never be the skinniest girl on Friends again. But she's my BFF and I can only think that. Anyways, I never found out what her fucking problem was because Lisa came by and we had to pretend we weren't really all that close because Lisa always feels left out because she's fat. And not pretty.

Dear Diary,
Bradley came home today after his first day of filming with Angelina. He was all going off about Iraq and Haiti and some other places I'd never heard of. I was like, "hey honey, I went off the pill. And I just spent like 10,000 dollars on clothes at Kitson. I think some of it was sewn by little kids in the coutries you were talking about." He totally stared at me like he was about to rip my clothes off and start making babies right there. But then he said he was a little tired and he went to bed. I heard him later sobbing. It's totally because he loves me because I support little kids in poor nations.

Dear Diary,
Today I lost another ounce! I'm so awesome!

Dear Diary,
OMG! I just got my hair highlighted. It's totally perfect. Like me!

Dear Diary,
Bradley told me today he wanted to talk to me about something, and so I was all, okay honey. And then he said something, but I wasn't paying attention because I was so watching the season finale of Newlyweds. That Nick is so hot. He totally takes out the trash. When Bradley was done talking, I was all, "Bradley, can you like take out the trash? I mean you're such a girl!" I totally wear the pants around here!

Dear Diary,
Bradley wants to take me on vacation. To Antiguilla. We're going to bring Court and that douchebag David. It's baby-making time! I'm feeling so fertile. Like a big old baby making machine. We are going to have the prettiest Aryan baby! Because we're the prettiest Aryans!

Benicio Del Toro: I Want My Face On T-Shirts

2006-01-26T19:25:00.000-08:00

Today Benicio Del Toro held a press conference to discuss his new fashion statement. The actor said, "No one pays any attention to me anymore. I mean, I'm just as good as Antonio Banderas. And I have a way better accent. So yesterday I was like, how come no one loves me anymore? How come no one waits outside my house to take pictures of me? And I realized it was because I didn't have any funny t-shirts of my face. No Team Del Toro! No Random Latin Actors Do It Better! So I saw this guy's picture on a bunch of shirts and thought he looked a little like me. So I grew a beard! And now everyone wants a piece of this!"
He then raised his fist and said "Aye Caramba!"

Tara Reid to Pen "Two Million Little Pieces"

2006-01-26T19:16:00.000-08:00

In the literary tradition of Nicole Richie (Truth About Diamonds) and Paris Hilton (I Like Cocks In My Mouth) Tara Reid has decided to write a memoir. Reid said today, "Now that I've cleaned myself up a bit, I thought I'd write a book. It will be a memoir. About addiction. And drugs. And starting riots in jail cells. And you know it will be all true because you've seen the pictures." James Frey is set to blurb the book and add an additional 18 pages which will contain some 'unauthorized' tidbits about Miss Reid's life. Oprah has yet to endorce or retract her endorcement of the upcoming memoir.

President Bush: I'm Amerikkka's Most Wanted

2006-01-26T18:56:00.000-08:00

Today Bush announced that no law was necessary to allow him to spy on American citizens. He said in a press conference, "My concern has always been that in an attempt to try to pass a law on something that's already legal, we'll show the enemy what we're doing." He went on to say, "I've been in legal council with my main man Fiddy Cent, and he told me that not only am I a P-I-M-P but that I'm the motherfucking President and that I set the motherfucking precedent. I'm like Ice Cube. I'm like James Frey. I'm an outlaw, baby. I ain't need no approval for my shit." He then threw air punches at the cameras. He had brass knuckles on the left hand encrusted with diamonds that read THUG and on the right LIFE. He ended the press conference by crossing his arms and shouting "yeah boy."

Janet Jackson Celebrity Intervention

2006-01-25T18:15:00.000-08:00

Janet, I saw you in concert once. It was that tour where you picked a guy from the audience and strapped him into a contraption you found at Tommy Lee and Pamela's garage sale. You then dry humped that guy. I saw that concert with my exhusband and we were seriously on our way to divorce. That concert...that moment with the guy in the Tommy Lee contraption and you dry humping him gave me hope for humanity. It gave me hope for my marriage. I believed I lived in a better world. Then we reelected George Bush, and my husband started screwing the neighbor. Janet, perhaps if you return to your former glory, we will unelected President Bush. I'd still be divorced because I'm better off, but maybe I will have never been married in the first place. Please Janet, give it a try. I want you to be Miss Nasty again. Do it for the children.

Celebrity Jihad Interventions

2006-01-25T18:09:00.000-08:00

Here at Celebrity Jihad, we have decided to take a page from Angelina Jolie's book and help those less fortunate. We believe that some celebrities might be going blind. Or at least having some sort of amnesia. So to jog Miss Spears's memory, here is a recent photo of her. And a photo of her in her former glory. Help me help you, Brit. Help me help you.

Rummy 'Let's Rumble' Rumsfeld Says Troop Levels 'Rock' and that Troops Themselves Are 'Totally Stoked'

2006-01-25T17:41:00.000-08:00

Today Donald Rumsfeld disputed two reports that claim US forces are thinning and strained to the breaking point. The reports cite many indications of emotional strain for troops including a spike in military divorces. They also point out the recruiting deficit. This year the Army fell 6,667 troops short and the Army Reserve missed its goal by 4,626 soldiers.
Despite never reading the reports, Rumsfeld said the reports were wrong the Army had in fact met its goals. He continued, "In Iraq the troops have new mink-lined marching boots. They get massages from 14 year-old Iraqi girls each morning and eat filet mignon for dinner each night. The Iraqis themselves bring pure gold nuggets to our soldiers and often I see Iraqis and US troops dancing around a Maypole just because. We're turning 18 year old boys away because they've heard that we offer free surf lessons and all the XBOX they can play upon deployment. It's really swell!"
After the press conference, Rumsfeld skipped out of the room wearing a pink tu-tu while trilling, "Lah-dee-dah-dee-dah!"

Bush Administration Declines Just About Everything

2006-01-25T08:53:00.000-08:00

Today Bush Administration officials declined handing over documents relating to federal response to Hurricane Katrina and declined halting domestic spying. In a press conference, President Bush said, "Let me think about it...no. No, no and no. And guess what? No. Hey, ask me again. No. Uhhh...no. En espanol? No. En Francaise? Non. No and no some more. No."

Mensa Meets at Sundance

2006-01-25T08:31:00.000-08:00

Mensa held their annual meeting at the Sundace festival this week. Key note speakers Bai Ling and Paris Hilton held lectures on topics ranging from "Balls of String: Hours of Harmless Fun and Useful Sex Toys" and "Shiny Shiny Shiny, That Bottlecap Sure is Shiny." The two were seen later in the day peeling Elmer's glue off their palms and making piggy noises while pulling down their eyelids with their pinkies inserted in their nostrils.

Britney Spears Turning Into a Man, Baby

2006-01-24T10:22:00.000-08:00

According to Tranniesrus.com, the international website for the transexual community, Britney Spears has been chosen as this year's "Miss Trannie America."
According to Lola Von Doll, President and webmaster of Tranniesrus.com, "You can always tell a MTF by the forehead and the hands. Well, in recent pictures, Brit's hands have been in fists, but you can't miss that forhead and nose. That she's a he! She's done such an amazing job of hiding it. We're just proud we can count her in. I think next year we'll be adding Nicolette Sheridan to our growing list."
Miss Spears was nominated by a showing of several snaps in a circle.

Canada French for Copycat

2006-01-24T09:14:00.000-08:00

In a geopolitical game of 'Monkey See Monkey Do' Canada elected a conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper today. Jacques Telling, Head of the House of Commons said, "We saw how after George Bush became president America's economy tanked, environmental concerns took a backseat to corporate greed, untold billions of dollars and thousands of American lives were spent on an unjustifyable war, civil liberties were eroded and Canadians said, 'hey, I want that for myself.'"
In an interesting parallel to US elections, polls showed the liberal Prime Minister candidate winning until late in the night. At approximately 3 am, hundreds of white trucks with the US presidential seal were seen crossing the border. The trucks held abacusses with severed baby hands tied to them and notes about pollworkers families and 'hanging chads.'
President Bush said today about the Canadian elections, "You're my bitch now, Harper." He then grabbed his crotch and thrust it at the cameras.

Lawmakers Begin Setting New Mine Safety Guidelines

2006-01-23T21:29:00.000-08:00

Today lawmakers began to set new safety standards for US mines. Dick Cheney addressed the opposition by repeating very slowly, "You may think this is too little too late, but it is not." He repeated the sentence over and over for well over an hour, while strobe lights flashed and 'Flight of the Bumble Bee' played. FoxNews channel ran the audio with a black and white spiral spinning endlessly.
Meanwhile President Bush went over to Google President Sergey Brin's house with a chef's knife. He pointed it at Mr. Brin's private area and grunted, "Gimme all the IP addresses for anyone searching for dirt, ground, mines, gold, boogers, neighbors having sex, recipes for chicken Kiev, knit socks, REALdoll, Metallica downloads, and Dick Cheney. National Security and all that bullshit. Do it for the miners, motherfucker." When Mr. Brin refused this information, Bush announced from Airforce 1, "Anyone using google, thinking of google or using any words with the oo sound will be considered a terrorist. And a miner blower-upper. You're either with us or against us. Now kill the fucking A-rabs, homos and liberals." He then played air guitar while James Hetfield played "Master of Puppets."

Pro Life March on Washington Takes New Turn

2006-01-23T20:51:00.000-08:00

Today pro-lifers marched on Washington to commemorate the anniversary of Roe V. Wade. Debbie Christianasshat, President of the Christians For Thumbs Up Our Asses, told the crowd, "Today we march to celebrate free babysitting, free college tuition and free health care for all women. We Christians are actually going to walk the walk and donate every penny of our incomes to those less fortunate. We are going to actually travel to the inner cities and help poor people find better jobs. We are going to open our perfect middle class homes to any child at all who needs a family. Who needs parents not addicted to drugs. Come to my house! Teen mothers addicted to heroin, sleep in my bed! Girls raped by their daddies, let me make you a cup of chamomile tea! Bring your unwanted children! We have homes to shelter them all!"
President Bush voiced his support by phone which was amplified for the crowd, though after Miss Christianasshat's speech, he was overheard on a call to Karl Rove asking if he too would be required to open the White House to any child in need of a safe home and a good education. Bush said, "I checked my bible, Rove. It said nothing in there about helping poor kids. I mean I saw a lot about bombing the shit out of any and all A-Rabs, but nothing about letting poor people touch my stuff."
Miss Christianasshat was seen later in a daisy chain with Dick Cheney, Tom DeLay and Tom Cruise.

James Frey Comes Under More Scrutiny

2006-01-23T20:11:00.000-08:00

Amid disputes from addiction therapists today over James Frey's memoir, A Million Little Pieces, junkies themselves have come out to discredit even more of Frey's 'memoir.' The junkies gathered on the corners of major metropolitan cities trading in their "Anything helps, even a smile" cardboard signs for new slogans. Among them, "James Frey--You can suck my glass dick" and "Hey Oprah, I sold my daugher into white slavery for one last hit, now put your sticker on my book and make me rich."
Thomas Jones Esq., head of the newly formed 'James Frey never cut baking soda with bleach just for a bump' club held an interview from a cardboard box in front of an abandoned business. In his interview he said, "I really regret Mr. Frey's dissembling of his life. The experiences of a junky are at once compelling and convoluted. Junkies wake each day with the hope that your world will finally accept ours. It is extremely disappointing that a memoir we in the junky community were celebrating, turns out to be nothing but lies."
Mr. Frey has so far refused to comment. Oprah, however is touring the affected junky areas trying to find the right combination of whore, incest survivor and personal finance guru to feature in an Oxygen network movie. Yesterday she believed she had found that person, only to discover it was JT LeRoy. Her search continues.

Jennifer Aniston Blogs from Sundance

2006-01-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

Today on her myspace profile, Jennifer Aniston blogged from Sundance.

Hey Girlz!

It's me Jenny from the block comin' atcha from the snowy city! That's right, I'm in Utah! With Robert Redford! He was the Brad Pitt of his generation! But he didn't get some slutty bitch ho-face knocked up so he's like the better Brad Pitt of his generation! Here's a pic of me with my new BFF's! Turns out that it's true that hanging out with a bunch of ugly girls make you look prettier! Anyhoo these girls are my best pals and they star with me in my new movie--Friends The Movie. Or Friends Part Two. Or Friends The Two Hour Special. Or whatever the hell it's called. But they're seriously my best gal pals! I love them! Anyhoo, I gotta jet soon! I'm going skiing! With my Cambodian orphan that I've adopted just to wax my skis! Ha-Ha! LOL! I'd never let a brown person touch my skis--except Ross from Friends! No, I'm going to go skiing because I'm not knocked up and I can! I'm also going to dye my hair and drink a Margarita! And then I'm going to make some snow angels with Vince and then laugh really hard when he makes yellow snow! Have fun in whatever crap hole place you're reading this from! Peace!

XXXOOOOO,
Longer Letter Later,
See you next year,
Jen

Paris Hilton Announces Regrets

2006-01-20T08:57:00.000-08:00

Today Paris Hilton's publicist read a brief press release titled, "Paris Hilton: Regrets. I've had a few." The text is reprinted below.

My Regrets
by Miss Paris Hilton

1) Spitting when I was paid to swallow.
2) Passing the dochie on the right hand side.
3) So-called Virginity Pledge.
4) Voting for Nader. Both times.
5) That french fry that Nicole dared me to eat.
6) Holding Nicki down while I dangled a spit glob centimeters over her face.
7) Standing on my gramma's dining room table over Christmas and showing them my interpretation of the bootie dance. When I'd *oops!* forgotten my panties.
8) Believing LiLo when she told me that I looked perfectly sober.
9) Telling people I read Anna Karenina all the way through when I just got halfway.

Bush Administration Offers Legal Justification for Domestic Spying

2006-01-20T08:40:00.000-08:00

Today the Bush Administration offered a brief Power Point presentation explaining their legal right to spy on American citizens. The presentation consisted of Vice President Cheney standing next to the projector with arms crossed and clicking through four slides. They read:
"What's.
My.
Name.
Bitches."
When the lights went up, Condi Rice, Alberto Gonzalez and President Bush stood up and chanted "Papa Cheney! Papa Cheney! Papa Cheney!"

Brad Pitt--A Little Melancholy

2006-01-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

Brad Pitt was a little bummed yesterday after a dinner with Matt Damon and Robert DeNiro. Pitt said, "I just never realized that Jason Bourne wasn't a real guy. I mean I thought he looked a little like the guy from The Talented Mr. Ripley, but Jason Bourne had such gravitas, such humanity. I really felt better about the world when I believed men like Jason Bourne existed. I admired how loyal he was to his girlfriend, and when he set out to avenge her death in the second movie. I really felt that. I would totally avenge Angelina's death if it came to that. In fact, I tried out those moves with the pen and the rolled up magazine after I read Jen's interview in Vanity Fair a few months back."
Pitt later asked girlfriend Angelina Jolie, "Do you think Matt would mind if I called him Jason, I mean just when we're alone?"

Details of Bush Administration Meetings With Abramoff Leaked to Celebrity Jihad

2006-01-18T09:15:00.000-08:00

Despite dozens of requests from the press and from Democrats, the Bush Administration has refused to release details of meetings with Jack Abramoff, until now. A high ranking Washington staffer revealed transcripts to Celebrity Jihad.

The scene: President Bush pours tea and offers two lumps of sugar to Mr. Abramoff.
Bush: I'm looking for a twelve piece set. One that can hold Thanksgiving leftovers and dessert too.
Abramoff (sipping tea, crossing legs): Dishwasher safe, I assume.
Bush: Well that goes without saying.
Abramoff: Colored or clear?
Bush: Clear. We need to see what's inside.
Abramoff: Microwavable?
Bush: I'd prefer that, but there's something about putting plastic in the microwave that gives me the skeevies.
Abramoff: It's been tested. No brain tumors from these goods.
Bush: Still...
Abramoff: Here's what I can offer you: A twelve piece set, the largest container will hold your whole turkey carcass, the smallest container--the pinkie of that Iraqi boy Rummy's been babysitting. All dishwasher safe, and ready to microwave. Are you in?
Bush: Let me check with Papa Cheney.

Eva Longoria Elevates Feminist Discourse

2006-01-17T13:52:00.000-08:00

In an interview with MS. Magazine Eva Longoria addressed the adversity facing today's women.
Longoria: "I went to my waxer and said, 'Marco, I feel there is an undoing of women's rights and there are not enough people concerned about women's reproductive freedom, equal pay for equal work or the underfunded medical research in women's medicine. We must start taking a stand for our daughters' generation. Our sons need to grow up in a culture where women are valued. I feel such frustration, such helplessness because of what I see as the lack of interest in world issues in today's young. Starting right now, I am taking a stand. Marco, pour hot wax on my labia and rip every last hair out. Take that religious right!"
Later in the interview Lorgoria reported that her Brazilian wax not only affirms her membership in third wave feminisim, but also leads to a great orgasm.

Trent Lott Seeks Fourth Term--Must Rebuild Beachside House

2006-01-17T13:15:00.000-08:00

Trent Lott announced today that he would seek a fourth sentate term. In his press conference Lott said, "I've chosen Mississippi and America once again. We must rebuild after Katrina. We must rebuild my six bedroom colonial that crappy storm tore down. And I will hire nothing but poor minorities to do the backbreaking work to lift my mansion back to its former glory. Minimum wage for all!"
When asked by reporters if he was concerned at all about the upcoming indictments related to the Jack Abramoff scandal, Lott straightened his tie, rubbed his left thumb across his nose, patted his right elbow and responded with an engimatic, "Abramoff who?"
In a nonrelated story, while on the phone with Mr. Abramoff from his jail cell, Mrs. Abramoff reported her husband being called Lucky McLeftnut by fellow inmates.

White House Honors Doctor King With A Song

2006-01-16T18:45:00.000-08:00

Today at the White House, President Bush celebrated Martin Luther King's birthday by having the Emancipation Proclamation explained to him.
Bush nodded and looked thoughtful throughout the history lesson. "So where does it say we gave the Indians some beads and the small pox in exchange for Louisiana?" he asked.
He then turned to the crowd, began clapping his hands and performing the 'bootie dance' while repeatedly chanting, "E-Man-Si-Pay-Shun Pro-Cla-May-Shun."

Governor Schwarzenegger Celebrates Martin Luther King Day By Not Killing a Black Person

2006-01-16T18:33:00.000-08:00

Today Governor Schwarzenegger denied clemency to 76 year-old death row inmate Clarence Ray Allen who is set to be executed early Tuesday morning.
Schwarzenegger said in a press conference today, "Well, if Mr. Allen were black, I think I would have spared his life, just for today. I don't want Doctor King looking down on me from heaven and telling God that I killed a black man on Doctor King's birthday. But because Allen is white, I figured, what the heck! You know, there are so many black guys on death row, it was just the luck of the draw that tomorrow's execution features a white guy. It's too bad Tookie's big day didn't come a little later."
In a cruel twist of fate, Allen, who is legally blind and confined to a wheelchair, was ressustated after his heart stopped in September.

Hollywood Celebrates Martin Luther King Day

2006-01-16T18:12:00.000-08:00

Today celebrities are celebrating Martin Luther King Day by celebrating themselves at the Golden Globes Awards. Marcia Cross of Desperate Housewives said as she walked down the red carpet, "I just really feel honored to share this day with Martin Luther King. I think all of us here tonight share a common goal with Mr. King. He was famous. We are famous. He fought for the rights of poor people and minorities and I pay my gardener a dollar more than minimum wage and I wouldn't dream of reporting him to the INS. If Doctor King were alive today I'd nominate him for a Cecil B. DeMille Award for that great speech he gave about sleeping and how important a goodnight's rest is. Here's to you Mr. King and the rest of the grape pickers of the United States!"
John Turlock, creator of the Golden Globes, said in a press release, "The Golden Globes are taking a page from Dr. King's book and honoring minorities by only awarding statues to homosexual actors, or actors playing homosexuals in movies. Thank god for Capote and Brokeback Mountain."
Melissa Ethridge and Lucy Lui will close the show with a cover of the classic Disney movie song, "We Are Siamese If You Please" from Lady and the Tramp.

New York Times Admits Nothing of Importance Going on in World

2006-01-16T10:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's New York Times featured a story on music producer Scott Storch. According to the Times, Mr. Storch is both white and Jewish. Arthur Sulzberger, the owner of the Times, said, "We really felt that we needed to break the story of a white, rich, Jewish boy and his career as a rap music producer. It's a really pressing issue in today's world, especially with the war in Iraq and President Bush spying on American citizens. The Times felt Mr. Storch's story was key to helping our readers contextualize the world in which we live."

Kathy Hilton Disappointed in Daughters' Lack of "Skills to Pay the Bills"

2006-01-16T10:17:00.000-08:00

Last night Kathy Hilton took daughters Nicki and Paris out for lessons on shaking their money makers in the hopes that the Hilton daughters would start pulling their own weight.
Hilton said in a question and answer period after the bar closed, "I was really horrified by Paris's sex tape. I mean, she was sucking that backstreet boy's dick for free! And last week Nicki told me she buys her own blow. Everyone knows easy girls don't pay for drugs! I really had to question myself as a parent and the values I'd passed onto my girls. I mean Paris doing it doggie-style with a guy who had less money than she has? I just thank god she's hooking up with that rich Starvarmos Niccholamos. As for Nicki, well she's just not as pretty or slutty as Paris so I suppose she'll keep riding my gravy train. I guess I'll just have to put up with it."

Angelina Tires of Always Looking Great

2006-01-15T18:24:00.000-08:00

After landing her private jet in the United States following her much publicized UN goodwill trip to war-torn Haiti with boyfriend and "Sexiest Man Alive" Brad Pitt, the academy award nominated actress decided to see how the other 99.9% of the population lives.
"You know, it's tough being so beautiful all the time, so today I thought I'd wear jeans under my dress. I wanted to experience being lumpy, uncomfortable and a little too warm. I think tomorrow I'll try wearing Ugg boots and a pink velour warm up suit."
In other news, Jennifer Aniston was seen on a Los Angeles freeway overpass hold a sign reading, "I totally wore jeans under my dress first."

Jennifer Aniston Develops Interest in Global Politics

2006-01-14T18:36:00.000-08:00

It seems that pregnant Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's trip to Haiti has had the desired effect of getting more celebrities interested in the war torn nation.
Today, Jennifer Aniston wrote an open letter to President Bush.
Dear George,
I was hoping that you might take an interest, as I have, in Haiti. After doing a little research, I discovered those Caribbean Commies hate freedom, democracy and born again Christians. And that the Haitians have some weapons of mass destruction pointed at right at Crawford, Texas. I really think you should bomb the fuck out of those motherfucking motherfuckers. Right now.

Hope we have more classes together next year,
BFFs,
Longer Letter Later,
Sorry So Short,
XXXXOOOOO,
Jen

P.S. I hear Osama Bin Laden might be shooting a movie down in that tropical pit of hell.

Despite Immobilzing Stroke, Ariel Sharon Just Can't Let Go of a Grudge

2006-01-14T18:19:00.000-08:00

According to the New York Times article titled, Sharon Stays Unconscious and Critical, Prime Minister Sharon had some choice words for Pakistan. Sharon said from his hospital bed, "I just think the Pakis are pushy and impatient. They dress funny and their food tastes like crap. They're egomaniacs. I know I'm being judgemental, but that's me. I just notice people's flaws."
Pakistan's President Pervez Musharraf released this comment in a press release after the article was published: "We are sorry about Mr. Sharon's medical condition, but illness is no reason to insult people's clothes or food. We don't want to wait any longer for that man to show us the respect we deserve. We're a real nation, dammit!"

Whitney Houston Admits She "Might be Past My Prime"

2006-01-13T13:30:00.000-08:00

Today in an interview with Mtv's Kurt Loder, Whitney Houston admitted that her career has hit a slowing point. Ms. Houston said, "I admit that the other day when I was photographed at a Circle K in Stockton wearing a fur and a wig I picked up at the Salvation Army might not have been en par with my performance in 'The Bodyguard.' Perhaps my voice, my career and my looks have suffered from the last few years I've spent curled up in a corner with my crack pipe while Bobby beat me with a shoe he found in the gutter. I think I might not be on top of my game, but Kurt, I can come back. I will come back."
Ms. Houston followed the interview with ballad rendition of Prodigy's 'Smack My Bitch Up' to which she dedicated to her "loving husband Bah-Boo."

James Frey Scandal Widens

2006-01-11T19:59:00.000-08:00

In a shocking addition to James Frey's literary troubles, Mr. Frey is being accused of plagiarism as well as lying. The quote from Mr. Frey's website ("Let the haters hate. Let the doubters doubt") was in fact a line from Kevin Federline's new release, PopoZao.
Mr. Federline was quoted today as saying, "I find it disheartening that Mr. Frey would plagiarize my work. He is an artist, as am I. Our culture today devalues the written word. I am saddened that a fellow scribe would choose to encourage this trend with intellectual theft."
Mr. Frey declined to comment.

Angelina Jolie is Pregnant

2006-01-11T09:09:00.000-08:00

And in other news Jennifer Aniston hangs herself.
Today Jolie commented on Jennifer Aniston's dramatic step.
Jolie: As a UN goodwill ambassador I am bound by an oath to the world to do everything in my power to eliminate hunger and strife in the world. Miss Aniston's hanging satisfies my charter. She was both starving herself resulting in a deep hunger and her movies are simply painful to watch. I believe the world is a better place now. And in a few short months I will give birth to the most beautiful baby known to human kind.
Aniston's publicist reported that Aniston's last words were, "dear God, why? Why?"

Governor Schwarzenegger Admits "Motorcycle Accident" was a Hoax

2006-01-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

Today Arnold Schwarzenegger held a press conference announcing he had lied about a cut and stitches to he upper lip.
"I admeet. I am a li-ar. I did not get thees cut from a motorcycle. I am actually a gurlee-man."
Schwarzenegger admitted that his injuries were the result of a fight with a man named Miguel.
"He said I should fuck myself for my racist immigration policy. I told Miguel I had one question. My question to Miguel was, why don't blacks and Mexicans get married? He did not like my question and he punched me."
Later in the day, President Bush came out in support of Governor Schwarzenegger's admission.
Bush said, "While I try to limit my racism to A-rabs, I can see the Governor's point. Blacks and Mexicans cannot get married because, it's true, their kids will be too lazy to steal."

Oprah Chooses Bukowski's Entire Oeuvre for Book Club

2006-01-10T19:12:00.000-08:00

After former bookclub author James Frey turned out to be a big liar, Oprah Winfrey chose Charles Bukowski as her newest book club author. Winfrey explained her decision on her blog this afternoon:
Well, I've made some mistakes with my bookclub. There was that first SNAFU with that little prick Jonathan Franzen. And then it turned out Wally Lamb really was a guy. A very effeminate guy, but a guy none the less. And now James Frey isn't the hardened street punk his memoirs promises.
I know middle class white women relate to drug addicts and criminals. My audience wants to escape their perfectly vacuumed carpets and two-car garages and travel to a world of whores and crack. And I need an author who won't care if I put my name on his book. Charles Bukowski is dead and won't mind a harmless little Oprah sticker on his book, and he's got major street cred, so he was the logical choice. I know middle America will love his womanizing and have an Ah! moment each time the narrator experiences the D.T.'s.
Enjoy this month's pick,
Oprah

Brad Pitt Decides to Give Other Guys a Break

2006-01-09T11:28:00.000-08:00

Today Brad Pitt announced that "it isn't fair to the rest of the male population that I hog all the hotness."
After fixing the plane Mr. Pitt is learning to fly, Pitt will retire his fast motorcycle, stop reading books, stop picking the kids up from school, turn off his vibrating tongue and begin washing his face with a belt sander.
"You know, I've really been unfair to the rest of the world. I have Ange now, and that's enough for me. I don't need to be mechanically adept, talented, well-dressed, considerate, intelligent and beautiful. I'm going to spread the love a little."
Pitt was seen later in the day buying smokes at the sevey and wearing white socks with flip flops and extra baggy shorts. He also had his Ferrari towed to the dealership to have PopoPitt stenciled on the brake shoes.

Samuel Alito Begins Supreme Court Hearings

2006-01-09T10:21:00.000-08:00

Today in Washington, Samuel Alito began his senate hearings, answering questions about his qualifications to be an impartial judge holding up the laws of this country. In a refreshing moment of candor, Alito said, "I hate bitches, blacks and homos. The whole country is turning into a commie infested pagan orgy and I'm the tough ass mofo to take care of these hooligans."
The senators applauded and President Bush strode out onto the floor with an armful of roses to present to Mr. Alito.
According to a Washington insider, "Alito's comments, while unusual, have solidified his election to lifetime Supreme Court judge."

Mischa Barton Bucks Celebrity Breeding Trend

2006-01-08T18:46:00.000-08:00

In a shocking move today, Mischa Barton aschewed the celebrity baby boom and menstruated. Barton, known as a trend setter with her hideous attire and skeletal frame said today, "you know, I just think bumps and babies are over. I'm all about bleeding each month." To prove her dedication to this new trend, she wore white pants and no underwear to advertise her commitment.
In a related story, Tampax President Mary Ames said, "I have no idea who Mischa Barton is, or what she's famous for, but I'd like to get her a sample of our product, STAT."

In Other Delay News

2006-01-08T10:06:00.000-08:00

Tara Reid held a press conference today pleading with Tom Delay to seek help.

Reid: "Mr. Delay, I see from the broken blood vessels on your nose, that you might have a problem with alcohol. Alcohol abuse is disease, Tom, but there is help. Rest assured that many with your problem have had a successful recovery and have gone on to lead rewarding lives. The first step is admitting you have a problem. And judging by recent photographs, you have one hell of a problem. There's an AA meeting near you. Find it."

Tom Delay Kicks Republican Majority Leader Position "to the curb"

2006-01-08T09:48:00.000-08:00

Today Tom Delay held a press conference announcing that he will not reseek his position as House Majority Leader.
Delay: "I mean, it's fine and all. I didn't want to be House Majority Leader anymore anyway. It was fun and all, but this morning I was just like, you know, white men wielding power is just so '05. So I called Denny Hastert (who, by the way, has a totally fat ass) and I said, you know what guy, I'm audi. I don't need your reindeer games anymore. I'm my own man. I'm bustin' out. I'll catch you bitches on the flipside. Peace. And that was that."

Microsoft Enters Portable Music Market

2006-01-06T21:35:00.001-08:00

In a move that sent Mac stock plummeting, Bill Gates announced Microsoft's latest addition to the portable MP3 player market.
Gates said, "It's called the JPod. We stick our hands up spoiled white boys' asses and play them like puppets. It's a real pleasure to finally see the culmination of all of Microsoft's skills in one technology."
In a demonstration later Gates, with his hand deeply imbedded in the JPod, moaned, "Dance, bitch. Dance."

Pat Robertson Names Other War Criminals to be Smote By the Lord

2006-01-06T21:13:00.000-08:00

In a follow up to his declaring Sharon's massive stroke was a punishment from God, Pat Robertson began naming others who will in the future be struck down by the hand of god.

They included:
1) Paris Hilton. "She got that sweet Lindsay Lohan hooked on the disco dust."
2) Kevin Federline. "God has sent many a tornado to punish trailer trash. Don't think you can escaped the swirling winds just because you live in California, buddy boy."
3) Tom Cruise. "You're making us look bad, friend. Keep it up and we'll vote you off the spaceship."